Frieda was at the local university studying fashion design, which explained her elaborate dress sense and funky braided hair.
Rachel was a short girl of around five-foot-one. She had multiple facial piercings; dark spiky hair with blue streaks; porcelain skin and an elfin face that belonged to a child, making her all the more hypnotic to look at.
Lucas was an eighteen-year-old slim lanky guy that seemed unsure of himself. He was dressed in clothes that seemed not to fit his childlike body and he was very loud and had clearly been drinking before coming to the pub.
Stephan and Marie were a couple that stuck to each other like glue, always laughing at their own private jokes and touching each other in intimate places, seemingly unaware that everyone else could see them.
We stayed at the Brauhaus before heading to the Highlander Scottish pub and then the Auld Triangle pub which turned out to be an Irish bar, and that was when the night got messy. The last thing I remember before leaving there was a conversation I had with Michael.
“So, are you game to keep partying, Bex, or are you heading home? It’s just after midnight and things usually amp up from now until early morning. Are you game?”
“Too right I’m game. I’m just so pleased to be out of that house and living again! I was beginning to think that my life was over at twenty-two.” I laughed. “Where are we going?”
“We’re all going back to Frieda’s place. There’s usually several parties happening at the campus and I’ll warn you now that there will be people taking drugs, so if you’re offended by that…” The statement hung in the air lingering, awaiting my response.
“I’ve taken drugs a few times myself so I’m fine with that. In fact, I could do with some more weed, so let’s go.” I grabbed Michael’s arm and pulled him along as I ran and laughed, feeling young and alive.
Entering the campus was a surreal experience because I had never been privy to this social circle before. I guess I had been guarded from that typical lifestyle thanks to the wealth of my parents, not that I would be telling anyone that story tonight.
As we walked along the corridor towards Frieda’s room, it was clear that there was a silent rule that applied. There were several doors open but the room with the note on the door, ‘Please do not disturb’ was where you bought your drugs. Karl was the dealer and he had everything under the sun. There were several people shooting up in the corner and I started to feel a little out of my depth, but I swallowed my nerves and acted as if I was used to being surrounded by addicts.
I could see Frieda looking at me from the corner of my eye and I’d overheard her earlier asking Michael if I could be trusted. I was eager to prove that I could be so I bought some speed and rolled my ten-euro bill up, and snorted it up my nose in a bold effort to impress. Frieda looked but said nothing as she bought a small bag of tablets and headed to her room.
I was pleased that I took along a bottle of vodka because I was downing drinks like there was no tomorrow. I felt as if I could drink the Pacific dry and I didn’t feel at all drunk, just happy and relaxed. At some point after three am, I must have passed out because I woke up at nine with my heart hammering like a herd of galloping wild horses, causing me to gasp in air for a few seconds. I had no idea where I was, but I was surrounded by several comatose bodies, and people who were clearly still out of it.
I realized that I had no address and I didn’t have a clue how to get a taxi, nor did I want to risk being spotted by the Smiths doing a walk of shame.
I headed to the bathroom and gawped at the mess. There were 2 cut lines of coke or something similar along the sink top, amongst the grime and general mess, and there was evidence of vomit in several places. I looked in the mirror and steadied my head that felt as if it were swaying from the inside out. I washed the remaining mascara from my eyes and squirted some toothpaste onto my finger and quickly ran it around my mouth in an attempt to take the taste of alcohol from my breath. I tasted and smelt like a brewery and I was certain that I was still drunk. I had a feeling of anxiety wash over me and I desperately wanted out of there and back in the safe confines of my little room. I was praying that I could get home before the Smiths got back from church.
I removed my jewellery and decided to walk until I found a taxi or could call for one. I was fading rapidly and desperately wanted my bed to sleep off the shit from last night.
I hailed a taxi and got them to drop me off one street away to avoid the chance of Alicia or Leo looking out of the window if they did happen to be home.
I quietly let myself into my flat and collapsed on the bed where I dreamt of Luke.
It became a regular thing, going out with Michael, Frieda and an ever-changing crowd of others. It also became a regular thing to take drugs. I knew that it was recreational and there’s millions who do it, so I was confident that I had everything under control. I began to crave the craziness of those weekends and although I really did enjoy spending time with Olivia, it was starting to feel so mundane, so those weekends soon extended to week-days when I did not have to get up the following morning. I loved the buzz I got from walking into the club dressed and raring to go, knowing that by the next morning, a lot of the night before would be nothing but a blur. The beauty of it was that everyone else I was with was in the same position, so no Jiminy Cricket sitting on my shoulder making me feel guilty. I was young and I was simply enjoying myself and that’s what life’s all about.
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I told the Smiths that I had met a group of people on Facebook from the nearby village of Hovelhof, which was fifteen km Northwest of Paderborn. I told them that I spent my weekends away from home with the group, walking and looking for flowers; I think that Olivia believed me, but I knew Leo was suspicious so I went as far as to buy myself a blank album just in case he ever asked to see my collection.
I started leaving the house dressed in jeans and sneakers with my large backpack crammed with dresses, make-up and shoes. I would make a point of letting the Smiths know that I was off on my wholesome little weekend adventure and they would stand there waving goodbye, with Leo’s penetrating eyes burning a hole in my back as I walked off.
I got the full history from Michael about how the name heroin means ‘heroic’ in German, and how it was first manufactured in Germany in 1898 by the Bayer pharmaceutical company. It was on one of my weekends with Michael ‘looking for flowers’ that I first took heroin.
As I inhaled the smoke, something magical happened: I found myself. The person that I really wanted to be was revealed in the blink of an eye and I was confident, happy, funny and entertaining. A bubble of happiness enveloped me and grew intensely, leaving me feeling warm, ecstatic and invincible and that feeling lasted for around four hours. I felt the veil of insecurity fall from me as I scanned everyone’s body language, each person in the room was happy and relaxed and it made me feel warm inside and unlocked a newfound confidence and euphoria; a euphoria and confidence that I was desperate to unlock again.
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